She doesn't know

My radio blasts with a song talking aboout a beautiful girl. Facebook pictures are commented on and the lucky ones get comments that say "you're beautiful" or "you're gorgeous." My fingers flutter across the pages of magazines as I agreesivaly flip through them. But while one hand holes the magazine, the other lingers over my stomach. The TV blares in the background but only one particular commericial catches my attention, a short girl, with large bust, long wavy blonde hair, and a neon yellow bathing suit shoves a finger at me and stares directly into my eyes. "Do you wanna lose wieght? But don't know how??" her squeky voice pures through the speakers. "Well then they thin-fast, it's proven to completely eliminate hunger and make you as skinny as me!" a 1-800 number flashes across the bottom of the screen as the girl turns to the side and puts her hand on her rail thing waist. She doesn't know. I sish as I look down to the glossy magazine cover, another beautiful girl stares at me, but this girl has flowing brown hair that cascades over her shoulder and down her light blue tank top. Her eyes glow as her skin stretches across her cheek bones to break her plump lips into a smile.She doesn't know. I trudge to the bathroom and step onto the scale, FAT is all I see when I look at the number, the number that any it's said in math class I wince, the number that haunts and dictates my life. I slowly slip off my sweats and pull my T-shirt over my head.

As I drop my shirt to the floor I look in the mirror. My hair is flat and thin, my eyes are dark and small and the beags under them make the skin on my cheeks look stretched tight and my lips thing and small. My mom calls to me that dinner is ready and my wraspy, weak voice echoes throughout the small room as I call to her and say "I'm not hungry". A lie, but she doesn't know. I slowly turn back to my refelction, my collar bone pertrudes out and my stomach seems to be collapsed in beneath my rib cage, easily seen beneath the colorless skin stretched across them. My shoulders round over as my long arms rest beside me, my elbows and wrists awkwardly stick out and my fingers are long and delicate. My legs shake and look so breakable beneath my weak structure. I turn the knob on the shower and cold water rushes from the faucet.

It seemed to have taken all my energy to twist the handle and I sit down next to the toilet. The cool tile beneath me give me goose bumps, I have been here so many times before. A familiar voice echoes through my head, "you'll never be popular, you're to fat and ugly" a lost friends words as so harsh and cold. She doesn't know. It's so familiar the way my stomach clenches and my head thrusts forward as I let todays meal spill into the toilet; but I have not eaten all day. So as steam pores out of the shower and I try to stand up my legs give out and my head hits the hard, sharp edge of the counter. My eye sight goes as I collapse in a heap on the floor.

What have I done? Sirens, sobs, and scattered and blured lights flash all around me. And when my eyes open, hours later, a fuzzy hospital room, tubes, and tears, streaked down my families face, appear. My mom reaches out her hand and as I push through the air to grasp it my fingers seem to crack as I wrap them around hers and my arm falls limp beside me as her eyes gloss over again, I do not even have the strength to lift my arm. And so I let my body be surronded by the sweet smell of clean sheets, and my head be encase by the pillow. My eye lids weigh so much but they start to beat rapidly, desperatly trying to stay open as the doctor appears in the doorway. My parenst heads whip to the side as he clears his throat, I hear a shuffle of feet and a quiet whisper "she doesn't know, but what she's doing is killing her" one last deep sigh escapes my lips as I let my body fall into the bed and I fall into a deep sleep. Sleeping beauty, a damsel in distress, only her true loves kiss could wake her, and so maybe it was delirum of medicine or just simply a dream but as the nurse slowly tilted my head up and slowly stuck a needle into my arm I felt as if she was really a fairy god mother there to awaken me from such an awful nightmare. But as my eyes opened and my head clears I look down at my brittle body, a thin line between the sheets and bed. As I look into the eyes of the nurse they aren't the kind ones, the sympathetic ones that you hope will look down upon you, especially the ones of your care giver. No they were cold and looked down at me like I was some sort of monster, "we'll set up a plan for your eating and treatments after you've recieved all the fluids you need", her monotone voice seems to resignant throughout the room as her chubby stomach bumps into the bed side and she plunks out of the room. She doesn't know.

Days drag on in a blur and doctors talk in terms that I can't understand. One thing I know for sure, my organs have been shutting down due to my lack of nutrients, basically my heart was stopping because I didn't have food in my stomach. Maybe that was why I was in so much emotional pain, or maybe it's just because no one knows. No one knows what it's like to be called to big or to ugly to fit in or have friends. No one knows what it's like to not be able to go swimming or wear tight clothing because of peers hurtful comments. And no one knows what it's like to go to bed, hungry, sick, sobbing, and unwanted in society.

When I'm finally strong enough to leave the hospital and go home my parents carefully watch over me. It's as if at any minute I'll break, or the delicate skin that barely holds me together will shed, leaving my vital organs open and they will have to protect me from harm until I re-grow skin. This time skin that glows and has color and is strong enought to hold me together. But weeks later my mom does the un-thinkable, after weeks of being attached to her hip, being force fed, and missing school, she lets me walk through the store on my own. A simple yet sweet freedom. But as I walk through the aisle filled with all sorts of fruits and vegetables sprawled out in wonderful assortments on various carts and shelves I realize that I am alone and lost. I have not been to a store to buy food in so long that it is a completely foreign subject to me and as I read carefully all the labels and gaze at the bright reds, neon yellows, and vibrant greens that make up the rainbow with in the store I feel uncomfortable. I shift back and forth on my feet as then decide to run back to the safety of my mom, but as I turn I bump into something much smaller then even myself. I gasp, and my hand reaches out in front of me to catch myself, "oh I'm so sorry" I quickly apologize as I look down. A lady, a few inches shorter than me, with radiant white, short hair and even wider large teeth that glow in her wide spread mouth stares up at me. Her rosy red cheeks, wrinkle as a smile breaks across her face. "Beautiful, absolutely beautiful" she breathes, "wh-what?" I stutter. "Why sweet heart, you're gorgeous" I try to pull myself together as I barely let the words press from my mouth "thank you," "thank you so much." But my shock and disbelief must be very apparent for she lightly touches my arm and softly says "your welcome sweetie, now no matter what don't you dare let anyone tell you anything different." And just like that she pushed her shopping cart down the aisle and around the corner, seeming to be floating instead of walking. My first compliment since I can remember, the one thing that I needed most in the world, my gaurdian angel. She didn't know, and yet somehow, she knew.